Been Busy Lately

Been Busy Lately

Anyone know Howie, the Judge in America’s got talent. He has this germaphobia. It is not something he could control. I have this fear also and it is so debilitating or paralyzing. It is a simple fear. The fear is that “I cannot date and work on being successful at the same time.” It is so paralyzing. This fear is making me not take action and not move forward. A beautiful girl comes into my life and she seems interested in me and I should just ask her out. When I am about to ask her out, some force or this fear prevents me from doing so. I get so paralyzed. I don’t know why I cannot overcome such a simple fear. I can do it a few times but it comes back. My mentors are not helping either, they want me to work rather than date. Anyway, I thought I should find the root cause of this fear. What created this fear and what is causing it and maybe I can reprogram my subconscious to not be afraid of it anymore.

I was meditating. I’m trying to figure out where this fear is coming from or what experiences created it. I had to go very very deep and it took me some time to find the cause. It turns out, I had this simple belief since I was 6. This belief, or judgment that I made about myself or this label I placed on myself is very simple. It just states “I am amazing”. I got it from playing chess, ping pong and dungeons and dragons. I would beat grown ups. I’m not really good but I am better than them. I started believing that I am amazing. This simple belief caused so much problems in my 20s. I could not be happy with a simple job, or a job that pays well. I need to make a lot of money and be happy as well. So if I got a simple job, I would be miserable. It contradicts this label or affirmation which is “I am amazing.” So in my 30s, I accepted this belief. I said something to myself, “okay fine, I surrender, I will be amazing”. It worked so well. I became so happy and I am still happy. Just by accepting this simple label I placed on myself when I was young, it created new beliefs and new ideas. A few examples would be “I can be anything”, “I can get anything I want”, “I am the best version of myself or the best Ryan”, “I have an amazing life”, “I am powerful”, “I am happy”, “I can learn anything I want”, “I am wise”, and so on. I believe all these things because “I am amazing”.

Since this is who I believe to be, other people will agree with me also. I can surpass other people’s expectations, I can improve in a niche and become above average at it like photography, hiking, writing, and so on.

It is because of this label or judgment that I placed on myself that I have this fear, “I cannot date and work at the same time”. It is not true at all. No rule that says I cannot have everything at once. I can have everything just by being me. A lot of people have proven this statement already that you can have everything just by being you. So this fear like most fears of the mind is only an illusion but even so, it paralyzes me because this fear is real to me.

Anyway, the fear was created in simple and logical thought process. There are a lot of ordinary people that make millions of dollars, even this 12 year old made millions of dollars by creating a sandal. My goal is just 6 figures with freedom or financial independence. If normal people can become financially independent, but I fail at this because I am too busy spending my time with a girl, then maybe I am not amazing. Maybe I am not amazing because I do not have focus, creativity, and resolve. My mind cannot accept the conclusion that “I am not amazing”, it can only accept the thought that “I am amazing”.

So it is funny and so ironic in a way. The belief that “I am amazing”, is what motivates me to become a great lover, romantic, someone a girl can rely on, dependable, saves the day, and so on. This makes me study psychology, how to create a happier life for my lover, how to be a better man for her, and so on. But at the same time, it is the belief that created this paralyzing fear and it the belief that is telling me that I cannot be with anyone at the moment. It is very funny if I think about it.

Anyway, I am not really worried. I kind of like my life a lot and feel really blessed to have my life. So I cannot take away that label or judgment. I just thought I would share it since it is kind of funny. I know I am going to figure this out, I will find a loop hole, and conquer this fear. After all, I am amazing 🙂

Devil’s Path 25.15 Miles

Devil’s Path 25.15 Miles

I did the devil’s path last weekend. The weather forecast was rain, thunderstorm, cloudy, and basically very nasty weather. What we got was this. There was this fog or mist inside the forest. When the morning sunlight beams down, it created this very beautiful landscape. We could see the morning sunlight because of the mist or the tiny droplets of water in the air. The sunlight would shine through the cracks on the barks and leaves of the trees. It was very beautiful. I did not bring my big camera because this hike is considered one of the toughest in the Eastern part of the USA. I couldn’t capture the beauty of it completely with my camera.

While I was in Lightroom, I tried to sharpen the leaves, trees, and the ground. While I was sharpening them, it made the blurry pictures come alive. The sun’s rays became more yellow. I just went with it. The pictures looked great after sharpening them. It made the light more yellow though. In reality, it was whitish color. I think when the sunlight hits the camera, the colors get a little funky. Here is the album.

Without the sunlight, the landscape looks like this. It was still very beautiful in a strange, unique and not so ordinary kind of way.

The night creeps in

The night creeps in

The night creeps in,
the sun fades out, the lanterns flash their bright lights
The stars and moon’s jealousy grew
As your eyes sparkle, the jewels of the night

The drums echoed, the piano sings
As my heart beats the rhythmic dance of love
In your eyes, there was beauty, beauty way ahead of this reality,
indescribable, untamed, beyond my words capability

The scent of lust fills the air
its fire burns of pure red
passion without boundary, without mercy
like a hungry beast, with no reason, nor logic,
there’s only the hunt, there’s only the prey

With you I found love,
love only heard of from books and fairy tales,
never ending, never dying
living for one’s self, thriving for others

Thus my fate has been decided
to be the keeper of your heart, bearer of your woes
the kindred companion of your hand
the watcher of your smiles

The songs will tell my love for you,
forever, always, even after the end of time.

 

I posted a poem before, I thought I would try again. I need practice though.

Imagine Loving Life

Imagine Loving Life

The simple principles of acceptance, integrity, compassion and co-operation have been working well for my life lately.
When I think about it, I just want to do three things with my life.
I want to love and help as many as I can.
I want to become as compassionate and soft as I can.
I want to end and let go of things as peacefully as I can
especially when there is nothing left to hold on to.

 

– Random thoughts while hiking

She was just a friend

She was just a friend

She was just a friend I liked hanging out with, someone I could talk to, spend time with, and talk about anything and everything that comes up in my mind.

Seeing her again after all these years we were apart made me realize just how much I miss her. The light in her eyes, the dimples on her cheeks, the way she smiles back at me, the familiarity of her presence, I realized she never really left me. She has always been here with me all along, inside my heart.  Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I see how beautiful she is? Why didn’t I see how intelligent she is? Why didn’t I see how caring she is? She always has a way of bringing out the best in me and I always had a great time with her. The way we laugh at the goofiest of things, how we could have fun just by watching netflix reruns over and over, and even if there was only silence between us, we both feel good and at peace just by being with each other.

The Ferris wheel lit up, illuminating the area around us and creating a blaze on her hair, making her look more radiant than ever. The distant sounds of merry men and women could be heard but most of what I could hear was how fast my heart was beating. The bright lights dimmed and flickered, making it very difficult for me to see for a few brief seconds but even in the dark, even if I was blind, my heart will still be able to see how beautiful she is. Just her standing across me was enough to make my hands sweat, my mind go blank and my words to stutter. I could taste the anxiousness in my whole being and felt the fear of rejection creeping up to me but I knew I had to kiss her, or at least I knew I had to do something. I walked towards her, I reached out for one of her hands. Her hand was trembling a little bit but she closed her eyes, and leaned in. I couldn’t be happier as all my worries vanished as if all the confidence in the world was pouring into me. I touched her cheeks, lifted her head a little as my lips pressed against her lips. In that moment, we were both connected, somehow in some way, we were both thinking the same thing.

 

Hey, it’s me. I hope you still remember your old friend, and then we can talk and laugh again…

Hey, it’s me. I hope you still remember your old friend, and then we can talk and laugh again…

 

 

She lay her head

She lay her head

She lay her head on top of my shoulder. I could feel her breathing in peace and breathing out all of her worries, all of her pain and all of her troubles as if she was giving them to the universe and never wanting them back again. She was always crying before. Always some stupid guy that broke her heart, played with her world, and took her for granted. Each one gave her hope, dreams and promises but in the end, they were all just lies. Empty words that didn’t mean anything like sand castles that crumble so easily as the tide comes in. I could see her face turn red as she talked about how much she loved one of them to her friend. Tears of sadness rolled down her cheeks and into her lips. I could taste the bitterness of her heartache and felt how much pain she carries from the tenderness of her voice.

The cool wind passed us by, sending shivers to our skin. She moved her body closer and her head more to my cheeks as she try to snatch as much heat from my body as she can.

“Stay”, she whispered.

I put one arm around her and I held her hand with the other, just to let her know I am here for her. I am her knight when she is afraid, her jester when she is sad, her wings when she feels trapped, her sword when she feels powerless, and I am everything I have to be just so that she can have an easier time on this planet. I was not planning on falling in love with her but I am glad that I did. She does not need to cry nor look for her soulmate anymore. I am here now, a man that wants to love her everyday for the rest of her days.

Imagine Loving Life

Imagine Loving Life

In this moment,
I understood the secrets of the universe,
what time is,
what is the meaning of life,
and the reason why Peter Pan
never wanted to grow up.

 

– Random thoughts while hiking

I hugged her one last time

I hugged her one last time

I hugged her one last time while the taxi cab waits for her outside. I want to savor those last few seconds with her but I could not as all my thoughts seem to have traveled back to the past. I wish I have an eraser that could change those moments with her. I want to take away all of the hurtful words I have said to her. All those words that I didn’t mean whose main purpose was just to hurt her. I want to change all those times that I have hurt her and caused her pain. Maybe instead of causing her pain, I could go back in time and give her flowers instead to let her know how much I appreciate her. All those times when she needed me and yet I left her all alone. I wish I could change those and just be with her. Even if I cannot do anything, I just want to stay beside her just so she knows that she is not alone. Wipe away all those tears I have caused and replace them with moments where I made her smile. I should have complimented her more and told her how beautiful she is and how much she made my life happier. I always thought I had a lifetime to tell her those things. As all these thoughts wandered in my mind, she separated herself from me. She took her suitcase and headed to the door.

She walked out and into the taxi cab, rolled down the window and waved at me one last time to say goodbye. The taxi cab drove down the street and it got smaller and smaller till I could not see it anymore. It was in that moment that so much pain entered my heart as I realized that the girl I loved my whole life is now gone. But, I knew I had to let her go just so that someday, somewhere, somehow, we can meet each other one more time and we can start over again. When that time comes, I promise to love her more, and be the man that will give her all the love that she deserves.

Imagine Loving Life

Imagine Loving Life

Whenever I am alone and relaxing at a viewpoint, various thoughts enter my mind. Whenever I remember a joke, I have this nice smile on my face. Whenever I think of you, I have this big goofy smile on my face.

– Random thoughts while hiking

I want one!!!

I want one!!!

I want one. I mean, there are jetskis available but it is a dirt bike on the ocean!!!! He is wearing motorcycle gear and jacket plus helmet. I get an excuse to wear motorcycle gear while on the ocean lol. I get to look cool!! Not practical but looks cool lol.

The light slowly faded

The light slowly faded

The light slowly faded as the sun sets over the horizon. I could taste the saltiness of the ocean as the cool breeze carried its scent onto us. I touched the wooden rails, as my fingers trace over its coarse, old and rough edges. The ocean waves crashed over and over on the rocks and onto the shore giving off surprisingly pleasant and relaxing sounds. Streaks of pink, red, and dark blue painted the sky but I couldn’t pay much attention to it. I could not stop staring at her. She was far more beautiful than anyone or anything that I have ever seen. The wind brushed off her hair to the side, showing off her beautiful face. In that moment, I knew I had to kiss her. I felt the jitters on my skin and the nervousness all the way to my bones but I knew I had to go for it.

I walked towards her, and I slid my arm around her waist to pull her close to me. My arm felt the smooth fabric of her clothes, the shape of her body and felt the smallness of her whole being compared to mine. My lips pressed against hers, her lips were warm and soft. In the kiss, it was as if I took a part of her soul so that I can have her forever. It started on her lips and felt it move all the way to my throat. It was like my breath was being taken away, the only way to breathe was to kiss her more. I felt it go into my heart as I felt my chest constricting like a heavy but pleasant force was pushing my chest downward. It settled in my stomach like there were fireworks that flew upwards and then exploded into vibrant beautiful colors. It was as if all the colorful butterflies that died there became alive again. I pulled back just a little to look at her. She opened her eyes, and I knew that she felt the same things as her eyes spoke louder than any words could say. She leaned in, wanting to kiss me more. It was strange, I pulled back only for a second and yet I already miss those soft lips of hers. I pulled her closer and allowed our lips and our hearts to play more with each other.

When the kiss ended, I tried to play it cool, like nothing ever happened but it was in that moment that I knew, her lips are the only lips I would want to kiss over and over again till eternity ends.

Imagine Loving Life

Imagine Loving Life

People always say go big or go home. It is like saying go all in or go all out. If you cannot go all out then go back to your boring house. Maybe miserable people say this quote because to me, home is a good thing. Home feels good. I cannot wait to go home after a hike, take a shower, cook a meal, watch tv and sleep for a long time. Maybe I enjoy home too much, in my own solitude, away from criticism, judging eyes, and doing whatever I want to do.

 

– Random thoughts while hiking

Just when I thought

Just when I thought

Just when I thought I have seen everything in this hike, a herd of cows blocked the trail then they followed me so I had to retreat. Trapping me in a fence, between them and the highway. I read that cows kill a lot of people in the USA. I don’t know how they kill people so I decided to stay away lol.

It is such a pain to transfer videos from my phone to youtube then make a post about it on this website. I need an easier way lol. With facebook, it is so easy lol.