It didn’t matter to her

It didn’t matter to her

It didn’t matter to her that I broke her heart. It didn’t matter to her that I made her cry all those nights. It didn’t matter to her the mistakes that I made. It didn’t matter to her the pain that I caused her over and over. It didn’t matter to her that I took her for granted. It didn’t matter to her when I said I will do those things over again. It didn’t matter to her the future, nor the past, as she always lived in the present. All that mattered to her was the two of us sitting at the corner of the earth, looking at the stars, holding each other’s hands.

Times like tonight, I remember too much

Times like tonight, I remember too much

Times like tonight, I remember too much. Pablo Neruda’s fault.

 

“I love you”, she said.

“Ok…”, I replied.

I think she was waiting for me to say it but I couldn’t. Those words were so corny to be replied back for some reason. She kept saying those 3 words. I just kept my mouth shut. One day, she stopped saying them. She stopped saying those 3 words and I never heard them from her again. She knew I loved her. How could she not? It was written all over my body, my heart, my mind and my soul. Whenever I kissed her she knew I loved her. We both knew because after the kiss, the feelings linger in her lips then to her tongue, sometimes she could feel it in her throat as it becomes harder to breathe and swallow, sometimes she could feel it on her chest, something there something unexplained, sometimes she could feel it in her stomach, those butterfly feelings. We would feel them and we would stare at each other. We would both have those eyes of passion, contentment and happiness.

She knew I loved her. She could tell from the way I touched her. The feelings remain on her skin and my finger tips. We could still see them and feel them even when we are not together. She could tell by the way I held her hand. Sometimes I will hold her hand gently, sometimes I would use it to force her body to be closer to me. With such a simple gesture she knew I will always be there for her, to make her feel safe, to make her feel secure and I will always provide whatever I can for both of us.

It was true, I wanted to protect her. I made her believe again. I made her believe in love again. I made her believe in fairy tales with a princess and a prince charming. I made her believe that she is allowed to love again. I made her believe she could trust her heart with someone again. I made her believe she is allowed to be happy again. I wanted to protect that trust that she gave to me. I wanted to protect her.

I grabbed her hand out of the blue once. She looked at me with a dumb founded expression as if she was asking “what?” in silence.

“I love you”, I said.

I wanted to tell her more, “I love you…. more than words could say. I have never loved anyone so much before you and I will never love any other girl after you.” I wanted to tell her more than that. “I love you… all my thoughts are of you from where we could go, what we can do, places we could visit, and what can I do to make you happy. I love the smell of your hair as they linger in my pillows, the way we cuddle, the way I hug her, the way we eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. I want more of those nice things in the future for both of us.”

But all I said was “I love you”

“Ok…”, she replied.

She smiled, her cheeks became pink, and she tried to stop them. She turned her back from me so I could not see and kept walking. But I knew she was smiling.

It was the last profound thing I ever said to her before we said goodbye.

 

Times like tonight, I remember too much. All I could think of right now is it would be nice to fall in love with a girl again. It would be awesome to be in love again. But with so much work, financial security not yet realized and time constraints, just no room for it. One day I will fall in love again. Hopefully, next time around, I will say those three words all the time to remind her she is the only girl in the world for me and that no other girl in this world will come close to how much I love her.

Tired, Stressed And Sleepy

Tired, Stressed And Sleepy

I am tired, stressed and sleepy. I wrote something tonight but not really sure how it flows. I cannot feel or sense anything right now. When I read it, there is like nothing. Maybe something small but not really sure what it is. I will just save it as a draft for now. I write better when I am hungry or on a diet. I am more aware of my emotions and other people’s emotions at those times. My empathy is low tonight due to lack of sleep, stress and very tired.

I will just say good night and leave everyone with my favorite poetry that practically explains every love, relationship I ever had and practically explains who I am deep down inside.

 

She was scared

She was scared

She was scared. As I was undressing her, there was worriment in her eyes as if she was afraid I would find her body unattractive. It was understandable, even the most beautiful and confident women in the world have moments of insecurity. I kissed her lips, kissed her neck and slowly traced her body with my lips. She was lovely but was afraid of her imperfections. As I kissed over her freckles, her birthmarks, her scars from chicken pox when she was little, the scars when she tripped, and other imperfections, I thought, “is this what she was afraid of?” To me, they were like stars or moon or sun, and she was the universe. Have you ever looked at the universe at night while camping or in a non-lit place? Have you ever looked at the stars at night and felt they were ugly? She was like that to me, she was like the stars, the moon, the milky way or the universe. I just told her what my heart felt at that moment.

“If you could see yourself in my eyes then you will know that you are the most beautiful and attractive girl I have ever seen. I want you to know that.”

 

– Random things I want to tell a girl someday

Good morning beautiful

Good morning beautiful

“Good morning beautiful!! I am texting you because I am on my way over to you to spend another great day with my love. Another amazing day where I will fall more and more in love with you. Another great day where I will get to kiss your lips, hold your hand and squeeze that sexy body of yours with my arms. Another great day where I will realize how beautiful you are and how much I love spending time with you. You wanted to eat outdoors so I planned a great day for us, I have a picnic basket and a spot on the beach with our names on it. I miss you. I miss you more than words could say. So rise and shine, I am on my way with pancakes and Starbucks in both of my hands.”

 

– Random things I want to tell a girl someday

My Weekend

My Weekend

To start this, I fixed my car. No more water leaks. My car purrs perfectly fine. So I am 2 for 2 with car stuff. The only problem is that the rugs smell like wet dogs now. So I have to clean the interior and take out the smell somehow. I have to mail my speeding ticket tomorrow and hopefully get a good deal on it. No more speeding for me. I will be using cruise control from now on and maybe be more punctual or leave early so I am not in a hurry.

So in the hike at Schunemunk Mountain, a friend of mine brought this chicken salad which is the picture above. He does not cook and the salad looked so good. It turns out that he just came back to NY for a few days and that his ex girlfriend made him some food for the hike. I was so jealous and he was rubbing it in. It has been a while since a girl made me some food so that I have something to eat after a strenuous activity. In fact, I don’t even remember a girl making me food for something like that.

I remember when I was young, my college friends get food. I was in martial arts club, so we would spar all the time. If you ever see Ultimate fighter, most of the newbies get tired after 5 minutes. It was very tiring. Sometimes some of the guys would come in and have Jamaican food, Italian food, Chinese food, KFC and etc. It turns out that their girlfriends make them food or buy them food. All of the women I had relationships with and dated for sometime, no one ever did that for me. They would bring me food but it will more along the lines like, “we don’t have dinner so I will buy food for both of us.” The girl would buy or make both of us food because we have nothing to eat. It is out of necessity. So I never got food out of concern that I am going to be hungry after a workout. You know what, in New Hampshire trip, it was the first thing I thought of. I have to make people lunch because they will be hungry at the top. I am not worried though, I know I will find a girl that will be sweet in the future 🙂

So in other news, I got this shirt. One of the girls that I hike with wanted to thank the people that host events and core members. So she made this shirt and it is to show appreciation for people that put in effort to make the events good. I most likely the last person that got this. She most likely gave these out months ago and I am most likely the last one to get this. It is usually like that for some reason, I often the last person to get the gift. I do not know why. I never got anything like this so it is nice. To get a thank you gift or get some sort of appreciation for anything is nice.

I saw this show called Top Chef Masters around 4 years ago. The chefs were supposed to make dinner for these soldiers that just came back from war. One of the chef was very quiet and he looks so irritated because his food is going to get judged and he did not have enough time to prepare as much as he can. There was a lot of pressure for him and he wanted to win the contest. It was like that for everyone. At the end, he managed to make a good meal and felt relieved. The soldier approached him and it looked like the chef had a lot of things on his mind and he did not want to talk to him. It looked he was getting ready to face the harsh criticism of the judges. He was just listening to the soldier. The soldier was telling stories of how he made friends in the war, there is brotherhood because it is life and death and they all have this medal as a symbol of friendship. The chef did not understand why the soldier was telling him this. Then the soldier said that “I want you to have one of these medals as a thank you for preparing the meal. I want you or you are welcome to be part of my friends.” When the chef heard this, he started crying. He is a grown man and he started crying. He hugged the soldier and he was very moved by the appreciation that the soldier gave to him. When the judges were about the judge his food and how well he did, the chef did not even care. He was like I don’t care what you guys say, I won today. I got this medal and it is more important than whatever judgment or whether I get kicked out of the show today. He was still very moved when he was telling that to the judges.

I most likely would have cried also if I was in that position. To most people cooking or cooking good food is easy. It looks easy, the chef just combines a bunch of ingredients and good food comes out. It takes hard work to experiment and make an existing recipe very good or restaurant quality. Some foods takes meticulous planning and preparation, 1 cup of this, stay in over for 30 minutes and etc. One mistake and food will no longer be good or edible. The clam chowder got burnt in New Hampshire and I spent 2 hours making that. When people cook good food, it is because they love to cook and they want the people they are cooking for to have a good time eating. It is a very kind and noble act. We often get thank yous but if chefs get very appreciated and receives gifts for his cooking, most of the time they will cry. When the soldier was about to give the chef the medal, I knew the chef was going to cry. I even told my ex at that time the chef was going to cry.

Fortunately, I got a shirt for hiking. I get a lot of things out of hiking so it is not a very noble act for me because I do get some things in return. Still I appreciate the thought that came from this shirt even though I was the last person that got his shirt. Even if the girl never really wanted to give me one specifically or I am just a tiny spec out of the whole ordeal. It is still nice that I got the shirt. I was thinking of wearing this shirt and making fun of it.

For example: If a person notices the shirt and he makes a remark like  “Nice shirt. Where did you get that?”

I would reply in joking and sarcastic voice, “Oh this, it is nothing. You have to be a good person to have one of these shirts. You cannot buy it. If you do not have one, maybe you are not good person. You should try to be good and maybe next year you will get a shirt like this.”

OR I would reply in joking and sarcastic voice, “oh this shirt? Wait, you do not have one? Ah, ok. Yeah, you need to be important to have one of these shirts. If you are not important you do not get one. Maybe one day you will matter but that day is not today.”

OR I would reply in joking and sarcastic voice, “Oh this shirt? You have a better shirt. I think your shirt is worth $200, and your shirt can breathe, name brand, has air conditioner, power bank and cool gadgets. My shirt is just cotton. You cannot buy it though. It is priceless. You need to have a good heart to get one of these shirts. If you believe in heaven and hell, you need to start thinking about this stuff. Let’s say you die and you are in the gates of heaven, and the angel looks at your record. It will say that you go to church, you do your responsibilities and etc. The angel says “everything looks good, you should be able to get into heaven. Have you been a good person or did you have a good heart when you were on Earth?.” Obviously, you are going to say, “Yes.” The angel is going to say, “Where is your proof? You do not have a shirt though. People with a good heart gets a shirt. Sorry, you do not have one so we will have to send you to hell.” So we need to start thinking about these things, our souls depend on it.”

 

I am just messing around. I have nothing to write tonight. I just wanted to say a little about my weekend 🙂

You have me under a spell

You have me under a spell

You have me under a spell. I am not sure how it happened. Was it your beauty, style, charm, your personality or what? You seem to be able to push the right buttons all the time. Everything you do seems to make me fall for you more and more. I did not even know that it is possible for me to be attracted to someone I barely know, I only met you once in so many years, but here I am thinking of you. Thinking if there is something I can do for you or to make you smile. I am trying to find words to explain who you are, who I am and this situation. But I have nothing on all counts. It would be nice to spend time with you, that I much I am sure of.

However, I am still left with reality of the present that I cannot date anyone right now. I will have to become a man that can take care of you before I will do whatever I want with you.

Schunemunk Mountain Album

Schunemunk Mountain Album


Schunemunk Mountain Album

Fun hike. It was more strenuous that I thought it would be. My knees and ankle are not fully healed yet. I tripped and sprained my ankle a little bit more in this hike. They should be back to full working condition in no time. Still, I push myself or this body way too hard and way too much sometimes.

I want to lie down next to you

I want to lie down next to you

I want to lie down next to you and kiss you. Trace your skin with my fingers, hover over the scars that tell the story of time while telling you that they are amazing. Embrace your body with my arms and tell you that this is my home. Trust me with your insecurities, I will not only accept them but find them to be beautiful. I want to look at you the way my heart looks at you, with loving, caring, with warmth and adoring eyes. I want to hear more about your dreams, and the life that you want to live so I can help you achieve it or walk with you towards it. If you succeed, I want to be there to share your happiness with. If you fail, I want to be a shoulder you can cry on or a strong man you can lean on. I’ll build you up and encourage you slowly so you will be brave enough to try again. I want to build a life with you because I want to kiss you the way you want to be kissed, I want to hold you the way you want to be hold, and I want to love you the way you want to be loved. One day, if you ever look back, I want you to see that I was the man that will love you more than anyone ever will but more than that I want you to see how happy you were when I am by your side.

 

– Random things I want to tell a girl someday

We have words for everything

We have words for everything

We have words for everything. Even things that do not exist, we have words for them too. ‘Forever’ such an idea does not exist. Nothing is forever. Everything is temporary. Our lives, our material possessions, our friends, our loved ones, and even the universe itself is temporary. Forever – it does not exist but we use it all the time.

However, if it does exist, you would be the first person I would love to spend it with. I would love to spend forever with you. If my feelings could transcend through space, time, past, present and future then I would have gladly given it to you from the moment I learned how to love. If I could hold your hand as I walk through the passage of time on this earth, then it would have been one of the best blessings I could have asked for. I would appreciate it always, as long as I have breath and soul in my body. You will never find yourself alone again. If I could love you forever, I hope you know that I would.

 

– Random things I want to tell a girl someday

One day I am going

One day I am going

One day I am going to wake up feeling great, feeling happy and joyful. I will walk at the streets I used to walk to, comfortable restaurants I like to spend time on and coffee shops I love their cookies with. As I am walking on the streets with ice cream or bubble tea on my hand, a guy bumps into me. He waves his hand as a gesture of apology and hurriedly ran to the nearest coffee shop. I will get curious as to what would make a guy frantically rush to the coffee shop as if his life depended on it. I would look at the window and see you there. You will be wearing a spring dress and white sun hat that looks amazing on you. How they compliment your figure and make you look very attractive. You are there waiting for him. When you saw him, a beautiful smile came across your face. The smile that you used to give to me. I will think that you look great and better than ever. Even if I walk pass you, you will most likely not notice me as you laugh so much over his corny jokes. He would hold your hand as if the gesture is habit you both do everyday. I would look at you as you stare at him with loving eyes. I would think that you used to look at me like that. I will realize that I am not the reason anymore. I am no longer the reason for your smile or your happiness or even how well you look. Someone else took that.

I will realize that we had a great thing going on before. I will remember the picnics that we used to do, the restaurants we pick out of the blue, the goofy things we do, and the quiet moments I spent with you. I will remember how we kiss, how much we love to cuddle and how much we cared for each other. I will realize all the good things we had and how those good things, you are now sharing with someone else other than me. I will realize that you look much more beautiful now than ever. I will remember the last time I saw you where I told you that I want to be alone. You kept telling me everything will be better, and everything will be great but I just would not listen. You were crying back then, holding on to both of us but I was just not there.

I would walk away from that window because it is not something I want to see. I would walk away as my great and happy day turn into something else. As I walk away, I will realize that I missed you so much. As I walk more and farther from you, I will realize something as well. I am glad that you are happy. I have to find my own happiness as well. I will have to find a girl that will give me the same smile as you give me, and she will treat me well. She will treat me better than you ever did. At that time, I will even be more happy because I know that both of us ended happily ever after. We both end up happy, just not with each other.

Won My Speeding Ticket Case

Won My Speeding Ticket Case

Today was my court date for my speeding ticket. I have never received a speeding ticket since I got my license. This is the first one. I wanted it to get dismissed. In May when I got the ticket, the officer got mad at me which is why he gave me a ticket. The officer was very emotional and it is hard to respect a person that lets his emotions rule him rather than his duty or job. While waiting for my number to be called so I can talk to the prosecutor, I was rehearsing what I wanted to say and do. “This is a court of law, people in here make grown men cry and tough men look pathetic. I have to act respectable, sincere and I have to act that I know what I am doing in order to have a chance”, those were the words I tell myself. “The prosecutor is my enemy, and I have to negotiate well or be able to bargain with him to get my case dismissed. If my ticket does not get dismissed, I will appeal this case forever… and so on. I just have to say motion to dismiss my case because of no supporting deposition.”

I only have one card that I could play. I did not get that supporting deposition that I asked for. I thought I had to negotiate and do poker face for that card very well. Fortunately, reality was so much different. Prosecutor was very friendly. He gave me a good deal. It was very good deal, no points and just a fine. But I wanted the ticket to get dismissed. It is because he was very open that I just asked him. Can I get my case dismissed because I did not have my supporting deposition. He checked if I was telling the truth and he agreed. He filled out a different paper work and recommended to the judge that my case gets dismissed. “Motion granted. Case dismissed”, said the judge.

It felt great to have the ticket dismissed. Not a lot of people can get their tickets dismissed. It is nice that I could count on myself to save myself when I am in trouble. It is nice that I am becoming into a more reliable person. I can figure out solutions and come up with different plans to handle problems that come to my life. If I can rely or count on myself, that means other people can rely on me as well. Unfortunately, I got another speeding ticket in Adirondacks. They gave me the supporting deposition with the speeding ticket. I do not believe I can get this dismissed. I will try though. Maybe there is another thing I can do.

Never Did I Regret My Past

Never Did I Regret My Past

Never did I regret my past or my 20s and my indecisiveness more so than today. You are so sweet that nothing more I wanted to do today than to just want to do something nice for you or treat you to a good dinner. A beautiful quiet place where I can know more about you, listen to everything you have to say, hold your hand and whisper sweet nothings to your ear.

Fixing My Car

Fixing My Car

After the ADK trip, water started leaking under the glove compartment. After some research, there is a possibility it maybe the AC or some other problem. Talked to a mechanic online and to find the problem it would cost me $120 to $200. I researched the Internet and tried to find common water leaks. I am thinking that the cause is the AC since it did not rain. I found the water drainage pipe and blew some air into it. Water started leaking down. I tried 2 other solutions. Hopefully, the water stops leaking now. If not, I’ll try other solutions before going to the mechanic.

Internal car architecture is one of my main weaknesses. I did not own a car before and this is my first one. I wanted to take a course or beginner mechanics course for 1 year but I do not have time right now. Well, I’ll just try to learn as much as I could with this car and see what happens. I’m learning also because a lot of people that carpool with me knows about cars so that is a good thing also.

When I Fall In Love With Someone Again

When I Fall In Love With Someone Again

When I fall in love with someone again or when I start a relationship with a girl, I would write her love letters all the time. I mean love letters. I do not mean texts, or messages from Facebook, or emails. I would write to her in a coarse rough paper. I would write to her all the time just to tell her that I am thinking of her…
“I am in Utah right now, stargazing at the stars, but all I could think about is how beautiful you look and how much I miss you so.”
“I am eating at this nice restaurant, but I wish I could spend this time eating with you. I miss talking to you, and the way you laugh, or the way you smile, or even just the way you talk.”
“I am working right now but cannot wait to spend some time with you. I miss putting my arms around you and giving your lips a kiss.”
“Hey baby, just writing to tell you I am thinking of you. I wish you are here with me.”

And stuff like that 🙂

Maybe I just want you to wake up next

Maybe I just want you to wake up next

Maybe I just want you to wake up next to a guy that can light up the fire in your eyes or give you that great big smile that looks great on you. Maybe a guy that can take away all of your worries, a guy that can save the day, or give you the comfort and security that you want. Maybe a guy that can give you new experiences, lets you explore the inner workings of your soul, or drive you crazy with his touch. Maybe a guy that can kiss your lips and makes you feel so loved and cherished. Maybe a guy that can gently look into your eyes and you will feel how much he loves you, how much he wants you, and how much he wants you to feel safe.

Maybe I am just selfish. Maybe I want to take my time so I can become that guy for you.