One bright afternoon day, I was walking around my block. I was not paying much attention and then this guy was walking towards me. He was listening to his head phones and rapping to himself. I was not paying attention to him but when he got near me, he made a gesture that is some sort of provocation. It is hard to describe. He was making fighting movements that was somewhat thug like. Maybe it was from the rap that he was listening to. Anyway, I didn’t pay attention but after one minute, I got angry. I was like, this wannabe thug want to throw down or fight with me? How dare this guy insult me or belittle me like he can do those things to anyone? I got so mad. I ran after him and I grabbed him. I was like “you want to fight me” to him. He backed off. I was going to punch the crap out of him if he made a move but then I looked at him closer and he was just a kid. Maybe around 15 years old. He was skinny. If I punched him, he may die.
So I just let him go. I went on my way. I was so angry. I felt like he was trying to victimize me, bully me, insult me or something. Maybe because I am Asian. I look very peaceful. My neighborhood has a lot of these wannabe thugs. Anyway, I just went home. I thought this would be a great way to meditate on where this emotion or anger came from.
I will just fast forward to the good stuff.
I felt this anger inside me. It was very strong and powerful emotion. It was all around me. I asked the questions “why do I feel angry? Why do I feel this emotion?” I saw all the times in my life where I was a victim, I was bullied, and times where my friends became victims. I saw times where my stuff got stolen. All of these happened when I was in high school. I saw all of these visions or memories where I was a victim when I was young. I hated that part of myself. I did not want my friends or people I care about become victims. So when I thought I was going to become a victim, I got angry. I got angry at that kid in which I should not have.
I got even angrier. I was seeing memories that I do not like. I was thinking if I can get those times back, I would have fought back or I would risk it all so that I will not become a victim or people I care about not become victims. I got angrier because I want to go back to the past and change it. I should have made different choices. I tried to dig in deeper and I saw a vision of my younger self. I saw a child and this child was crying. He was hurt. This child is me. It is my inner self or inner child. He was just crying. He was hurt by other people.
I was asking the child, why are you crying? He was not saying anything. He was in a fetal position and was just crying. I felt something coming out of him. I felt that this child felt powerless. He was crying because he felt powerless. I tried to calm him down. I told him I will use all of these anger to destroy all of your enemies. I will not let anyone make you feel powerless. I was imagining using my anger to beat up all of the ones that made him feel powerless. I felt so angry. It didn’t work. He was still crying. I couldn’t stop him from crying. I asked why are you crying, I beat up all the people that hurt you. He gave off an aura that he felt powerless. I felt all of these emotions or emotions of helplessness or not being able to do anything.
So I imagined a sword. This sword will vanquish all of his demons, all of his dragons, all of his enemies in the past, in the present and in the future. This sword represents that I will always find a way to fight off anyone that is making you feel powerless. I will become very STRONG. Strong enough to protect myself always. Whether it is an event, a person, the weather, scenarios, people, society or whatever. The child still will not stop crying. He was still giving off this aura that he feels powerless and helpless.
So I gave the sword to the child. When he touched the sword, a lot of memories came flooding in. I saw the times where I was the bully. I saw the times where I was the one causing others suffering. I saw memories where I was mean to people and where I was cunning, lying, manipulative, and I hurt people. Some of the memories, I hurt the people I care about. So in order for me to not feel powerless, I used the sword to make others feel powerless. I saw other people do the same thing. I saw everyone doing it. I realized that everyone is suffering. So when I saw all of these visions and memories, I threw the sword away. I was lost because I have no idea how to stop the child from crying if I cannot protect him by hurting others if the child was going to be hurt. It is self defense so it should give the child peace but it did not. So I was lost and I was just staring at him. I can feel he is hurting because he felt powerless and helpless.
After some time, he still did not stop crying. He felt so hurt inside. So I tried to dig deeper and tried to understand this child or myself more. I was just surrounded with all of these feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. I kept seeing the memories that I do not like. I asked why do you feel powerless? The emotion of powerlessness and helplessness changed. The emotion change to abandonment or unloved. All the people that were mean or hurt me when I was young, they were making an action that says they do not love me. No one loves me. The world does not love me. I was abandoned. It was such a strong emotion. It pierced. I can sense the heavyness of it. I can see, feel and know why this hurts. I asked why does it bother you if people do not love you? The emotion around me changed. It became light, happy, joyful, full of caring, compassion, and all the good emotions. It felt good like spring and like everything is amazing in the world. I knew what the emotion was, it was love. It was unconditional love.
The child within me just wants to love everyone. He just wants to be happy with everyone. He just wants to play with everyone. He does not want to hurt anyone. He wants to laugh with everyone. He was so pure, so loving, so child like. It is like he has no evil, no dirt, so benevolent, he does not belong in this world, because this world is very impure compared to him. This is the moment when I realized that the child is probably my soul. This is most likely the closest I came to see my soul or my truest of essence.
So deep down inside, I just want to love everyone. Which is so freaking cool. My soul is like so pure. When I realized that, I knew how to stop him from crying.
I imagined a blanket. This blanket is made out of love. Every person that I met that likes me, that loves me, that cares about me, every animal or pet that loves me and so on, they all help create this blanket. All the beings in my past, present and future created this blanket of love. I wrapped this blanket on the child.
I told the child that even if the people around you do not love you, even if women reject you, even if the world does not love you, I will love you. I will always love you. I will give you the best of everything I can give. I will give you a great house to live in where you will feel protected, loved, and cherished. I will give you a great life where you will feel excitement, joy and happiness. I will give you a great woman or lover that will always love you and think about what is best for you. I will give you everything that is good, loving and joyful in this planet Earth. So on and so forth.
I will give you (myself) all of these things so that you can freely love anyone without fear. So you that you can love everyone without fear. So that you can walk in this life that you have with full of love. When I promised all of these, the child stopped crying. He turned into a ball of light and went up for some reason. I just felt a lot of joy, happiness and satisfaction from him. I was surrounded with that kind of emotion. Then I fell asleep.
Path Of Love And Path Of Unloved/Fear
The biggest thing that I learned from this meditation is the concept of love and unloved. At the core of our emotions, it is a choice between love and unloved. This is not really a new concept. Jim Carrey said that everything comes from love and fear. I am certain that he got it from someone else. In my visions, everything comes from love and unloved. Fear comes from unloved. You fear that something in this world will make you feel unloved. So my emotions come from two choices so my thoughts come from two choice. I can either choose the path of love or the path of unloved (which is the path of fear). I have a lot of things that I can say about this so I will just write another article about this. But for this meditation, I found that anger comes from unloved. It goes something like this.
Unloved/Abandonment <– Powerless <– Fear of unloved <– Ego Activates / Defense Mechanism <– Anger <– Control
When Ego activates, it activates a defense mechanism. The defense mechanism can be anger, frustration, denial, or any negative emotion. But its purpose is to control the situation through action or force. This is what happens to me. I do not know enough about psychology of other people but I can tell that this is how it works for me. It is because I saw it, I can feel it, and when it happens I can even see it happening by being mindful of it.
The path of love goes something like this for me.
Love <– Powerless <– Love <—- Acceptance <—- Freedom <—–Abundance
The path of love is just a lot of happiness and good emotions around it. But I will discuss this in another time.
Everyone Is Suffering
Another concept that I saw is that everyone is suffering. I think Buddha saw something like this also. He saw everyone suffering. In his meditation, he saw everyone suffering because of desires. In my case, I saw everyone suffering because they chose the path of unloved or path of fear. So when I used anger or any negative emotion to make myself feel better, I had to make someone else suffer. To make myself feel better due to powerlessness, I had to make myself feel superior. In order to make myself feel superior, I have to make someone weaker than me suffer. This will alleviate the suffering for a little bit.
In my vision, the victim is suffering and the bully is suffering also. The bully is trying to gain certainty by making others suffer. So let’s say a person in college feels that he is failing and that his life is going nowhere. His future is uncertain. He may bully someone to make himself feel better. He will keep doing this every time he feels unloved or he feels uncertain of his future. Once he realizes that his future is amazing, he will look back and saw what he did to others. He will feel bad that he made other people suffer. He will try to make up for his actions but he cannot so he has to live with his sins. Sometimes the bully will try to be a better person in the future due to his regrets.
Loving Your Powerlessness Self
In order to stop reacting, or to stop getting angry whenever something does not go your way, then you have to love the part of you that is powerless and not in control. In my path of enlightenment, I have to love all parts of me including the parts that I do not like, parts that I hate or parts that are ugly. I have to love every part of me. I said this before in another article. I promised my inner child that I will love myself also. When you love the part of you that is powerless, you no longer have to react. Your ego will no longer activate a defense mechanism. You no longer have to go into flight or fight mode every time something in your life does not go your way.
If you do not love that part of you that is powerless, then it will have control over you. It is a part of you that you abandoned so any experience where you feel powerless, you will react in a negative way, and you may act or do an action that is beyond your control. So in my path of enlightenment, loving the part of me that is powerless is a must.
Enlightenment Leads You Further Away From Getting Sex
I saw a couple of people that were very spiritual but they get rejected hard. They do not know what happened. It is because enlightenment or knowing yourself leads you farther away from survival mode. Our world is based on survival. Everything that is attractive is based on survival. Even our skin. We like smooth skin because it shows great health. Everything that helps us survive is attractive or can be attractive. Our role as males is safety. This never changes because it is instinct on women to like males that make them feel safe. It involves safety physically, mentally and emotionally.
One of the concepts is that we are all responsible for our lives. So if the girl you like does not feel loved, cherished or safe, she will most likely dump you or fall in love with another guy. In enlightenment, everyone is responsible for their life. So if a girl is suffering, enlightenment suggests that she has to deal with it herself because she has a lesson to learn there. A lot of the concepts in enlightenment takes you away from survival mode but survival mode is where attraction comes from. Even sex is about procreation and survival of the species.
So if you want to attract a girl, better be grounded and not enlightened.
Metaphysics, Soul And Afterlife
Anger Comes From Fear
The concept that God will be angry at you because you sinned or do something he does not like is false. An angry God does not exists. In order for anger to show up, one has to feel fear, in order to feel fear, one has to be afraid of being unloved. This cannot happen to a God. An immortal, eternal, and omnipotent God that has fear does not make sense. This implies that we can hurt God emotionally also. When he gets hurt, he gets mad. When he gets mad, you go to hell.
In this scenario, God chose the path of fear instead of the path of love in which it does not make sense also. It is because the path of fear creates suffering for the one who travels into it and the person intended to suffer. It is like the bully and the victim. Both parties are suffering. It is most likely that God would choose the path of love. In the path of love, it is the path of unconditional love. If you sinned, God will still love you because it is the the path of love. It involves acceptance and unconditional love. Even if you do not love God, this entity will still love you. It is because the path of love creates a lot of joy, happiness, and good vibrations rather than the path of fear which is meant to destroy and control.
Who Wants To Be With A Controlling God?
At the end of the path of fear is control. God is trying to control you instead of giving you freedom. Instead of loving you, it states that if you do something wrong, he will abandon you. Let us think about this for second. I was in this organization. The leader was very controlling that we were abandoned or got kicked out. We did not want go back. We did not want to be controlled. This is the same thing. It is because if your child, lover or someone you care about is in hell, you will try to save that person because you love that person. Do you really want to be with an entity where one false move and then you are going to hell? If this entity does not like your action, he will make you suffer?
What is going to happen is that souls will build their own heaven. In this heaven, it will be a place of love where everyone walks the path of love. It is a place where everyone is accepted and loved no matter the imperfection. No one wants to be controlled or judged or punished. This is the path of fear. In Bible, it states that God walks this path which makes no sense.
Low Level Emotions Come From Survival
An eternal being will always walk the path of love. Your soul is eternal and it will always walk the path of love. A lot of our negative emotions or low level emotions come from survival. We have to kill someone who is trying to kill us as self defense. We have to be mean to someone who is mean to us. We have to abandon people or groups that abandoned us. We are afraid of death because we think that this is the only life we have. We are afraid of people getting our items because we worked hard for them and we fear that we will never get those items back. We are afraid that a girl will reject us because we may never find another lover.
If you are immortal or eternal, you have all the time in the world to get all of these. You do not even need anything. If you are immortal, what do you think you will do tomorrow? If you are immortal, there is a high chance that you will just sleep tomorrow or not do anything. You do not need to eat, so you do not need to work. You do not need to do anything. You are not going to do anything. If you are eternal, a lot of negative and low level emotions just do not exist. Think about it for a second. Think of something that you fear in this world? Think what would happen to that fear if you are immortal, or that everyone is immortal? It will vanish.
Even torture. You may even want torture. Think about it. You do not need to do anything so you are not doing anything. You have no motivation. You are not experiencing anything or any emotion. You are just lying down or sleeping or not doing anything. Like 1000 years of not doing anything. You want some form of stimuli. Any form to get you out of boredom. This is what eternal looks like. Eternal and infinite beings have no fear. Your soul has no fear.