There are many different types of attachments. I did not and have not experienced all of them. The only attachment that I often experience is with a girl. Often times when I talk about letting go, I often picture women in my past and the feelings that I had with them. I do not have a lot of attachments to material things and people. There are many different types of attachments that people want to let go of. I may not understand what you are going through but maybe I can give you a different view point.
5 Stages Of Grief
In psychology, there are 5 stages of grief or the Kübler-Ross model. For references, just click on this google search link http://lmgtfy.com/?q=5+stages+of+grief. I will not put a lot of thoughts into this but this is usually the things that people go through in order to let go when they lose a person. Some of these emotions are also there when we have to let go of material or other external possessions which is why I am going to talk about it quickly.
Denial – The first one is denial. Denial is a defense mechanism so that people do not become overwhelmed by the situations and circumstances that are happening in their life. The emotions are denied and come to the surface when the person is ready. This is so that people do not feel overwhelmed or lose hope or go suicidal or lose touch of reality.
Anger – this emotion surfaces because we feel hurt. We feel that we were abandoned or we have lost control. Anger can be directed to anything or anyone. You can be angry at the messenger, doctor, friend, family, God, people trying to help you and such. Anger can also be a connection to something that you have lost. Anger allows you to feel that you are still connected to someone or something.
Bargaining – this emotion happens after anger. You start bargaining. If a girl breaks up with you, you start bargaining and telling her that you will treat her better, you will do this, you will do that, and so on as long as she stays with you. You can also pray to God or some higher power to give you back what you have lost and you will try to do good if you get what you have lost.
Depression – this is when everything fails. You start feeling depressed about your powerlessness. You cannot get the things that you want. You become depressed. Negative thoughts and negative emotions such as sadness start to fill your mind.
Acceptance – you finally accepted the reality that you have. You realize that this is the permanent reality that you have. You can no longer change this reality and you have no control over it. You try to make changes in your life to fit this reality. You try to move on.
A Different Point Of View
We all have ego. Ego is a person’s sense of self-esteem and self-importance. This is according to the dictionary. To me, it is more like your sense of identity. It is responsible for feelings of attachments, possession and belonging. This is my car, this is my feelings, this is my lover, this person belongs only to me, this is my house and so on. We get attached to certain things or people because deep down we feel that they belong to us.
Ego is the sense of ‘me’ or sense of ‘I’. The person that is suffering is ‘me’. The person that is the victim here is ‘me’. Everything revolves around me. The universe is all about me. I maybe a part of this scenario but since I am here then it is all about me. The feelings that I am feeling are so hard and everyone has to console me or make me feel better. I am the good guy. I always have to be the good guy and I will justify why I am good and righteous all the time. I am also right and correct. I will never be wrong. So on and so forth.
Looking At It As A Whole
It is important at times to step back and look at everything as a whole or look at the bigger picture rather than looking at everything through your ego. The girl broke up with you because she is unhappy. She wants to find her own happiness. You may have lose the interview for a job that you are very qualified for but maybe the guy that gets it really needs it to support his family. You may have lose your house or your car but maybe you are meant to gain something far more in the future. You maybe suffering but maybe it is meant to teach you a lesson so that you can give back to the community in the future. Looking at it as a whole is simply implying that not everything is about you or not everything concerns you or that you only play a small part of it. There is a bigger picture.
Forgiving Yourself For Not Having All The Information
“Sometimes sh*t happens!” You have no idea why these bad things are happening to you and why you need to let go of the attachments that you once had. Maybe your lover had to work at another country. Maybe your car got into an accident while it is parked. Sometimes stuff just happens. You have to be able to accept that you do not have all the information. You need to forgive yourself for not having all the information and not being able to control everything or make the right decisions all the time. Most of the time, you are not meant to know a lot of information why bad stuff happens in your life. You have to be able to forgive yourself. When life throws you some lemons, then go make some lemonades!
Control VS Acceptance
Human beings are perfectionists. If we made a mistake, we always feel that we can make them right. We try to control everything. We try to control the weather, we try to control our lovers, we try to control people to get what we want and so on. We try to put people in a cage, or try to control their actions. This is what makes us human and it is beautiful in a way because we try to hang onto things that we desire. But there are times when we need to let go because letting go will be far more joyful, less burden and give us more happiness.
Let’s say your girlfriend breaks up with you. You try to manipulate her into going back with you. You try to make her jealous, you try to buy expensive material things, you try to impress her with your intelligence and you try to convince her that you are great for her. The simple truth is that you are trying to manipulate her into doing something that you want. It may work but it is going to be temporary. You will have to keep manipulating her and you also have to face the fact that she will never love you. She may stay with you but she will never love you the way you deserve.
It is important for us to be able to let go of control and just accept things the way they are. In this case, if I was the guy, I will keep improving on my life, I will keep doing things I love, and if she ever comes back then great. It is not something I will force on her. I want it to be her decision. Acceptance of the way things are gives less pain, less anguish, less negative emotions and more appreciation.
There will be times when we cannot let go because of guilt. Let us say that you have a big van. You volunteered to take kids to their soccer game every Saturday. It was fun in the first year or so but you really want to do something else now but you cannot because the kids will have problems getting to their games. You stay, even though you hate it because of guilt.
You need to love yourself. You need to make decisions based on what is beneficial for you. The kids will be fine and they will find their own solutions. Life moves on. Everything changes. You have to prioritize your happiness as well. You are allowed to be happy with your time. You have permission to be happy.
We have to explain everything in terms of spirituality. We have to look at this in a way that is somewhat devoid of logical thinking, and no sense of the physical world, but it makes sense due to feelings and intuition. I will try to explain this in such a way that most people with different religions can relate but I cannot promise.
There is a boy, he is meditating. One day, he got a dream while he was sleeping. He saw himself holding out his hand, and he saw a beautiful bird eating from it. He woke up and thought it would be so cool to have a bird eat on my hands to impress people. He went to a pet shop. He saw this bird with very similar colors to the bird in his dreams. He bought a cage and bought the bird. Everyday, he would put food on his hand and he would try to make the bird eat from it. He is trying to train the bird to eat on his hand. But the bird would not do it. Every time he does it, the bird gets scared and avoids his hand at all cost. After a couple of months of no success, he tried various ways to make his hands more lovable. He tried different foods. He tried coloring his hand. He tried putting feathers on his hand. He tried a lot of things.
After 1 year of no success, he was ready to give up. He went to the park and decided to try it one more time. If the bird does not eat from his hand, he will let it go. Unfortunately, the bird did not eat from his hand. He opened the cage and he let the bird go. The bird flew away without looking back. The boy felt sad and disappointed. He took a walk on the park and decided to meditate on the open field before he goes home. After 10 minutes of meditating, a pigeon landed on his lap. He was shocked but he continued to meditate. Then a duck went near him, and then different types of birds. He was covered with birds in no time. It so happens that some of the bird food that he has was stuck on his clothes. A lot of the birds did not feel threatened by him and so they tried to pick off the grains, and bread out of his clothes. In the end, he got what he wanted and more.
Belief That The Universe or God Does Not Love You
Attachment is nothing more than fear of the future. We cannot let go because deep down inside we do not believe we will be able to get something of equal value or greater. We cannot let go of the girl because we fear that we do not deserve love in the future and this girl is the best we can get. We cannot let go of the house or car or any material possessions we have because we fear we will not get anything better in the future and the pain or hard work that we endured are for nothing. We cannot let go of someone that passed on or died because we fear that we will never see them again or that they are gone forever.
At a deeper level, you do not believe that your God loves you. You can replace God with universe, angels, spirits or whatever you want. You do not believe that a higher power loves you enough to give you the things that you want. You view yourself as imperfect and not worthy of that love. You believe that you are unworthy of love and you do not love yourself at all. So the only thing that you can see in the future is negativity. You can only see scenarios and events where you do not feel loved, you are alone and you are abandoned. You only see circumstances where you do not have enough, you are lacking and no one is there to help you out. You can only see fear and your insecurities.
Nothing can be further from the truth and you need to know that you are loved. We are beautiful human beings. We can experience any emotion and we can have anything in this world. This is how much we are loved. We can have anything we want. We cannot see this because we are living in fear and in our own insecurities. When we are living in fear then we cannot see or feel that God loves us. Even if you do not believe in God, deep down inside you need to tell yourself that you deserve love and you deserve to have all the things that you want.
The Whole Universe Is Conspiring To Give You What You Want
We have to step back and look at this in a way that the universe is conspiring to make us happy. Pretend you are given a pair of glasses or binoculars or lenses that show how much everything in this world loves you. Everything in this world loves you so much that this whole world is trying its best to give you what you want. Maybe you lost the girl because she is not giving you what you want or she is not giving you the love that you deserve. Maybe you lost the job because your job is making you sick and unhappy. Maybe you have to meet new people, you have to experience new things, and so on because the life that you are living is currently not improving you, not helping you grow and not doing anything for you. I have met a lot of people where they had to experience negative things or lose things they are attached to because they do not realize those things are making them unhappy and there are better things in the future for them.
A Thread Going Into A Needle
The universe has billions of ways to make you happy. The universe can give you the girl of your dreams easily. Let’s say you have the idea of a perfect girl in your mind. So the universe looked at it and came up with billions of possibilities and millions of women for you to choose from. The universe can choose a beautiful girl from another country and give this girl to you easily so that you two will fall in love and make each other happy. The universe can do this in fun, joyful, loving and colorful events. The universe is planning everything and trying to give you women that are beneficial to you but you are currently fixated on a girl that does not love you. You do not want any girl other than this girl. You want this girl to give you the happiness that you want and she may not be capable of giving you that happiness.
It is like telling the universe to give up billions of possibilities and only use this possibility. Even if the universe helps you out by giving you the information, the coincidences, the chances, and so on to get the girl, you will mess it up because you will take it further and say that this girl has to fall for me in a certain way. This girl has to fall for me in my own way, and the way I want her to. It is like the universe has billions of ways to make your dreams come true but you want all the possibilities to go through limiting factors or filters. All the possibilities has to be able to go through a tiny hole that is on top of a sewing needle.
It is the same thing with the story. The universe had lots of potential ways to make the guy’s wish come true but he is forcing it to go through this bird that does not like him or scared of him. Letting go of how it should look like, how it has to appear and how it will come to your life is far more pleasurable, less painful and more gratifying. But it is not happening for most people because fear took a hold of them.
We feel guilty because we have this burden like I said in the example with the kids going to their soccer game above. We need to trust that the universe will take care of it. We are meant to step away, do what makes us happy and in by doing so, the others will be able to be happy as well. The kids in my example may experience pain and may not be able to attend the game but we have to trust that everything has meaning. Everything including pain is there to give people a better or happier life. We have to trust that the universe has a plan and solution to everything that does not involve us sacrificing our happiness.
Control VS Acceptance
Control comes from fear. It is fear that if we let people have a choice then they will not choose us. It is fear that if the boy lets the bird free, the bird will forever be gone and nothing will replace the bird. So we try to control everything based on our limited information and intelligence. Trying to control everything is fear of the future. Fear that we are not good enough, that we are not deserving of what we want, and that we are never going to get what we want because deep down inside we feel that we do not deserve love. We try to control as much as we can. We let fear take a hold of us. We rationalize this by saying that we did our best based on what we know. Some people rationalize evil actions by saying that the end justifies the means. Control and fear can lead to a lot of pain.
Acceptance comes from love. It is going to be hard for me to explain this lol. Acceptance is love. It is doing what you feel is right, trusting that everything will be okay, and letting go is the best thing to do even if you do not have all the information or even if it does not make sense. Acceptance is trusting that God or the universe loves you. It is believing that everything in this world loves you and things happen for a reason so that the universe can give you what you love or want. Acceptance is being in the present moment. It is ‘being’. Just ‘Being’. In this time, place, and moment, that you are not trying to do anything, not trying to manipulate anything, and just trusting that you are loved even if you do not have all the information and even if the future is uncertain.