I was meditating on my love life. I have this fear of dating because I want to be successful first or be successful again. I kind of feel like a struggling musician or struggling artist right now. I seriously would like to work more on being financially independent first. I have lots of time now to work. Perfect time to make lots of money. However, I practiced enough enlightenment techniques to know that I want to start dating right now. I have what they call a “split mind”. The heart wants to date, the mind wants to work. If I cannot satisfy both, I am going to suffer everyday and this is going to flood my mind with useless thoughts because the heart and mind will battle all the time with what I should do. So I choose to date but I thought I should meditate on where my fears are coming from. I had to meditate over and over, go deeper and deeper to my subconscious to see where this fear is coming from. The fears are layered like an onion. I had peel, heal and conquer each fear one at a time before I had a clear picture.
It is funny when I meditate, I see these visions and they are like movies. They are like stories. I see pictures in my head and they tell a story that is related to my fears. It is how I understand where my fears are coming from. The stories are sometimes better than movies. I can actually feel so much emotions. Some people think that these movies or stories that appear come from our past lives. I don’t know if I believe that but these stories that I see are so cool and so real. They are better than going to the movies or watching kdramas hahahaha.
Usually I just ask myself what am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? Where is this coming from? Why? Why? Why?
My vision started with a girl. She was a very loving young woman from around 1700s. Somewhere in the timeline of book by Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice. She was born in a very rich family. She was given all the best education that money could buy. She was given music lessons, art, dancing, proper etiquette and manners. I did not see anything about science or math, just a lot of art and manners. In her lifetime, there was this young handsome man that worked in their mansion. He was a gardener or servant in their household. The girl started spending time with the guy, she talked to him a lot, walked with him a lot, and both of them started falling in love with each other. She felt alive and good when she was with him.
He was very poor so the mother of the girl did not like him. The mother fired the guy and his parents so that the young girl will never see him again. But one day they saw each other again in the city. They started talking and spending time together. They were having fun. She realized that she is always having fun when she is with this guy. The mother of the girl found out about this. She gave the young woman a lecture. She gave her a lot of shame and guilt. What would your friends think if you go out with this guy? What would the neighbors think? The gossip that will spread? You will look unsophisticated, uncivilized, improper, and so on. This will reflect on your family. If you keep seeing this guy, we will disown you. What would it look like when you become poor?
The mother kept reminding the girl of all the things that will go wrong. The mother was so horrible. She cared about the girl but the words, guilt, and shame she gave the girl were so horrible. It is like she put a bird in a cage and she also cut off the wings just to have more control over the bird. She kept giving the girl a lot of shame and guilt for listening to her heart and loving someone. The words became so heavy, and so limiting that the young woman had to comply with her parents. She was put in a mental prison that she could not get out of. This young, gentle, and loving girl that was full of life was turned into a fearful girl. In the end, her parents picked a man for her. She got married to this man. The man was nice and she lived a comfortable life. She had children and so on. The gardener also got married and lived a great life. He had children as well. She saw him again from a distance when they were around 40ish. She thought that he still looked very handsome.
The vision ended with the girl as an old woman looking out the window of her mansion. She was looking out and wondering what would happen if she followed her heart and went out with this guy.
So What Did I Learn From This
This fear that I have is based on money. I want to be financially free, I do not want to rely on anyone, I want more independence and freedom. I want to be able to take care of myself and the people that I love. I gave myself this prison of fear that limited what I can and cannot do with my life. My heart is telling me to go out and fall in love but my mind is telling me to work first. If I work first, I will be able to live a life without shame and guilt that comes with not being successful. The correct decision that I must do is to fall in love with someone. To conquer my fears. This fear has existed for 200 years. I have to create a line and stand up to it. I will no longer participate in this kind of thinking, in this kind of behavior and in this kind of fear. So that this fear will not propagate any longer and it will die faster. I will try to ask women out on a date maybe on November or around 1.5 weeks from now. I should at least meet my barber. He is going to surprised that I have not seen him for 3-4 years now lol
What Is Inside Of Me Is Reflected Outside
It is because I am indecisive that I met women who are indecisive also. They also have a split mind whether to follow their heart or their mind. The women that are attracted to me will most likely be able to see their selves in the meditation experience that I have. We all have the same fears or similar fears of judgment, and making our parents happy. What would other people think and stuff.
When I start dating, there is a possibility that it will be painful for me or a possibility to be blissful. My mind seems to go to the negative when it comes this. Possibility I am going to get rejected a lot since most of the women I attract are also on a fence like me. Even if women go on a date with me, there is a big possibility that it will not work out. I am emotionally strong and I can handle a lot of pain so it is all good. I felt that fear in my meditation experience. It is very heavy and limiting. The fear is like roots, and branches coming out of the ground that shackles any person that goes near it which prevents them from flying, walking, moving or being able to do what they want. It is very limiting. It is not something a person can remove slowly, rationalize, and logically try to eliminate. You cannot just tell your mind to slowly abolish this fear because this fear is part of your environment. Your friends will have it, your family will have it, they show it in the television, and so on. This fear has been indoctrinated into our minds through society. It plays on society’s judgmental tendencies. I am certain this fear is in a lot of the women that I attract because my world is a reflection of my inner world. There is only one way to eliminate it for me. It is to prepare myself to jump which is what I am doing. I can recognize that if I get a girlfriend, I can put a lot more of my thoughts into working and making money. I will no longer have a split mind and I can focus more. So it is good for me. I have had this fear for 1 year or so. It is time for me to remove it from my life.
In the end, it does not matter. Both the girl and the gardener in my vision lived a good life. Whatever decision I make really does not matter much so I may as well go out of my comfort zone and live my life more. I cannot predict the future. All I can do is take charge of my life, take charge of my decisions, and take myself to where I want to go. There is a possibility it will be painful and there is also a possibility it will be blissful. Since the moment I followed my heart, I became happier, stronger, powerful and the heart has not failed me yet. So hopefully, this leads me to more bliss. This fear must be so stupid to a lot of people but for me, it is so debilitating. I am sure a lot of the women I attract have the same or similar type of fear as well.