I bought some new weights. I think my body looks good enough to get a tattoo but I am going to continue. I may as well, I like the way my body is starting to look lol. I am going to be somewhat chubby this year because I am not going to keep losing weight and then gaining weight again. I am just going to gain weight till I reach my goal then lose weight. I am relying less and less with my physical looks to attract a girl though but it is still nice to have a good physical connection with a girl rather than emotional.
As for my tattoo, how come people hate tribal lol. I prefer the doodly lines compared to a real picture. I just want a couple of lines and not the whole picture because a whole picture is going to block some of the lines I got from my muscles hahahaha. I am still not financially independent so I do not need to hurry with the design. I am going to buy some stencil papers and sharpees to practice and see what kind of tattoo I like. Art on my body has got to be sexy.
I have a date tonight. A blind date. I am kind of excited. It is like that game show Deal or No Deal. I don’t know what kind of girl I am going to meet tonight. I may get attracted or not. Although my hair does not want to agree with me today. After 3 years of cutting my own hair, it seems I still need more practice. It is all good, I am going to practice on attracting a girl with my personality rather than looks.
As my foot eased down on the cold hard floor of my room, I looked around and there was no soul in sight as I prepare myself to go to bed. My eyes shifted around the room, my skin felt the stale air inside it while the white walls felt like they were closing in. However, on this night, I couldn’t care less. My body tired from working as I feel the ache in my muscles and bones. I turned off the lights and shadows flicker through the walls as the room was mostly engulfed in darkness. I reached my bed as I slid my hand to the surface. I felt the edge of my comforter and settled my body in. The soft warm fabric of my sheets felt good on the skin as I tucked myself to go to sleep. I closed my eyes and went to the edge between the boundary of reality and dreams where I saw her there with me. Before I knew it, a sudden surge of loneliness filled my chest and lungs. It was as if an ocean of darkness grabbed my chest and filled my lungs that I couldn’t breath; as if this darkness was slowly suffocating me.
I miss her so much.
There was a time when I would close my eyes and my lips would find her soft lips before I go to bed. It was mellow, gentle and kind with a shot of alcohol we had mixed in between. My fingers touched her cheeks gently, pulling her closer, until our bodies are glued to each other. I would become more insistent, more forceful, and my assertive hands would grab her waist, grip her neck, pull her, push her and as my fingers would be all over her body. The kiss was breathtaking, passionate, gentle and hard. Our tongues would always find a way to fall in love with each other. So in love that our eyes would not open. So in love that our veins would become hot with passion. So in love that we knew in that moment that we’ve been kissing the wrong people all our lives.
I wrote this Algonquin Peak And Wright Peak Hiking Guide. It took me 3 days though which is not good. I am so rusty with writing scenery. It is so easy writing from the heart or poetry. With scenery, it has to have a certain flow of logic. I need more practice. I have a couple of guides to write so its all good.
One day, she will fall in love with me even though I told her not to. I will come to her life like a storm with fierce winds that will rattle everything. I am going to make her do things that she has not done before and experiences she once thought were very sinful. As she feels the exhilaration on her skin, a deep feeling of wonder fills her chest, and she cannot help but smile with the excitement of what today has to offer. In that moment, she will know that I am trouble. Someone she needs to stay far away from. But it will be too late for both of us. I am already part of her as if I am the air that she inhales and exhales. When we sleep in each other’s arms then we will know that a connection between us that is stronger than anything we have ever known exists even though we cannot see it. The warmth and certainty from each other’s hands will tell us more about each other than words could ever do. Like a storm, I knew I cannot stay. Everything will pass and everything will be over soon. So I told her not to fall in love with me. She may not be able to handle it when we part.
I do love her. I love her more than I thought possible. She is more beautiful than anything or anyone that I have ever known. Her hands fit so perfectly with mine. Her soft lips intoxicate my very soul and leave me wanting her more. Just being with her, I never felt so content in my whole life. If she ever cries or feels sad, my heart would sink so low, a pain that I have not known before. When she smiles, my heart would fly higher than I would think possible. It was as if her happiness is directly tied to mine. I love her, that much I know but we will have to part soon. I have no reason nor any explanation to offer. I am meant to leave, that much I know as well. We are never meant for each other but I am grateful for this moment where it feels as if we are.
There was nothing that I could have done when she left. There was nothing I could say to make her change her mind. I just packed up my clothes and left. If there was something I could do, I would have done it. If there was something I could say, I would have said it. But I knew there was nothing. All I could do was say goodbye. Goodbye to the life that we had. Goodbye to the dreams we had about the future. Goodbye to the life we were supposed to have together. Goodbye to the warm cuddles, dinner dates, and laughter we both shared. Goodbye to the life we had, we are having and we will have. Nothing left to do nor say other than goodbye.
Everything was dark, everything was painful, and everyday felt like I was just getting by. I felt emptiness at the pit of my stomach as if all the butterflies that I felt when I was with her died. Then I found you. Perhaps, it was more like you found me. You picked up the broken pieces of me and I learned to love again.
I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing in my mind when I fall asleep. I never laughed so hard with anyone, the way I laughed when I am with you. You are the only one I wouldn’t mind losing sleep over. The only one I wouldn’t mind caring for and being with forever. No one has loved me and cared for me the way that you have and I just want you to feel the same thing. Perhaps it was a good thing that my heart was broken into a million pieces. So that we can pick up the pieces, build it into a heart that fits perfectly for you. So that I can become the man that you have always dreamed of. I love you with all my heart, and I want you to always remember that.
The plane was making its descent down. My hands were shaking, and I felt a bottomless pit in my stomach. My knees did not seem to want to calm down. I was jittery to say the least. This was not my first plane flight and I was not scared of flying. It was the first flight where she was waiting for me somewhere down in that airport.
I have not seen her in a while. How should I act when I see her? I do not know what kind of expression I should make. I do not know what I should feel when I see her. I do not know what she is feeling nor what she will think of me. I do not know what will become of us in the future nor what will happen in the next few minutes. My mind is filled with questions without answers.
As the plane landed, I proceeded my way through the gates. She was there at the lobby but she did not see me yet. She looked amazing, more beautiful than I remembered her to be. I smiled and waved at her. As she looked straight at me, her face lit up with a smile. An expression of joy and happiness as she ran towards me. I opened my arms instinctively. She jumped into my arms and into my body.
She had been waiting for 1 hour. She knew the plane was going to be delayed but that information made her even more nervous as she kept looking at her watch every minute. She had not seen him in a while. As new passengers were getting out of the terminals, she turned her head and she saw him waving and smiling at her. He was as handsome as she remembered him to be. She ran towards him without thinking as if her body moved on its own. She jumped into his arms and everything felt good and well.
She buried her face on his shoulder as he held her tightly. She missed him so much that no words could express it. She could not think, all she knew was that she needed him. She needed him so much. Tears of happiness fell from her eyes. She needed his smile, she needed his arms, she needed his body and she needed his presence. She always knew that both of them will be together and that both of them will always find a way to be with each other.
I let her down gently. I saw that she was crying. I put my hand on her cheek and said, “lift your head, and baby don’t be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way. You’ll get by with a smile. You can’t win at everything but you can try….”
She unravels the most masculine instincts within me. A simple look, a simple touch, or a simple kiss and she brings forth a storm inside me. A pure force of desire, unrestricted, unhindered, consuming my mind and all my thoughts. A violent obsession to have her, as this thought proliferates through out my mind, impacting my senses and controlling all of my actions. I sense a growl inside me as if a caged animal lurks within. I want her now. I do not want to make love to her. I want to mark her like an animal marks his territory. Imprint my mark inside her mind, on her soul and onto her body so that she will know that she is mine. To kiss her from the back of her neck and move gradually down her spine. To forcefully grab her hands so she will know the strength of a man. To touch her lips and bite her skin. To do whatever I want in the most gentle, intricate and forceful of ways she could think of. So she will realize that she is free and yet my prisoner; a captive of her own will.
There are so many places I want to visit. There are so many mountains I want to hike, so many horizons I want to take a picture of, so many oceans I want to swim in, so many restaurants I want to dine in, so many music I want to listen to and so many beautiful arts and man made creations that I want to see. If there is a heaven on earth, I would love to see it too.
But my heart will never be far away from you. Our love will always will be in my mind. Your lips are the only lips that I want to kiss. My life will be empty without you in it. It is because I love you and I know no other way. I want you to always walk beside me. I want to take care of you always. I want to be in love with you always. If I have to go through hell to hold your hand, I will gladly do it. It is because heaven without you in it is not heaven at all. It will be an empty place, and I will be empty as well without your smile that I love so much.
There was something beautiful about the two of us. I loved her. She loved me too. She had so many dreams- she wanted to do this, she wanted to visit this place, she wanted to learn this, she wanted to go to this school and so on. Her eyes always sparkled when she talked about the world. She could talk about her desires for hours and I could stare at her forever. There was something about me that wanted to give her all those dreams. I wanted to slay dragons for her, catch the moon, grab the stars and give them all to her on a silver platter. All I wanted in return was to kiss her lips and see her smile always. It is because I loved her. It is because she loved me too.
But our love was not meant to last. I wish her all the best still. I wish for her happiness even though we are not together anymore. I wish that someone would hold her the way I held her. Someone would touch her cheeks and kiss her lips the way I would do it. Someone would keep her safe, the way I made her feel safe. Someone would make her smile, the way I would make her smile. Someone would love her, the way I would have loved her. Maybe even more than I had given her or could have given her. It is because I loved her. It is because she loved me too.
This is the filipino concert I attended a long time ago with a few friends of mine. I haven’t seen my friends in a while but they are cool people. Very down to earth and you will have a good time if you know them. A friend of mine knows this Filipino Rapper called Gloc 9. I used to listen to some of his songs. When I was a kid, I listened to Parokya ni Edgar, Siakol and Eraser Heads. These are the songs I grew up with. It was nice that I got to listen to them live. We had a good seat which is at the side because my friend went to school with Gloc 9. I did not have backstage pass though but it was good. I am still chubby here. I am actually a little bit chubby now lol. I’m enjoying my muscles hahahaha but I need to lose weight soon. Anyway, it was a good concert.
The next song is called Halaga. The other one is about drugs lol. I was jumping a lot on that one. It was a good concert. You probably have to be Filipino to appreciate this concert though. I need to attend more concerts. I am missing out on the good times lol. I have lots of time this year so I’ll make the most of my time 🙂
It is true, you will be falling in love with a person who will give you good morning kisses, good morning cuddles, and a man whose eyes smile when he is with you. I will hold you as if we belong together, as if we are both naked, where there is only truth and no lies, where there is only love and no pain. Moments where you will feel at home… where you will feel at home, not in a some place. Moments where you will feel at home when you are with me. Where I will hold you at some random point in time or some random situation to tell you I miss you. Where you know that I will always have your back or I will always will be looking out for you. Where you know that someone out there is always thinking of you, always thinking of your well being, always wanting for you to be safe, and always wanting to take care of you.
But you should not fall in love with me.
At some point in time, I will leave. I will be gone. I will take my presence with me and everything I offered will be no more. You will be alone. You will be empty. You will have to wake up every morning alone again. No more kisses, no more hugs, no more smiles. Just empty rooms and broken promises. You will have to face the world alone again without me giving you strength to do so. There will be no explanation. No apology. Just goodbye. I will just leave you there while you are thinking what happened or what did you do wrong. There is no answer. None. Sometimes stories do not end with happily ever after. Sometimes stories end with pain. This is the kind of story I have. It is the kind of story that I can only offer which is me in the end saying goodbye.
I got responses from the last topic. A little vague, and passive though. Where is the fun if you know where you are going to land? There is no fun in that. Where is the adventure in that? There is no fun in certainty. We have to tease fate sometimes. We have to play around with destiny. We have to believe in our future enough that it is going to be amazing no matter what. If I believe that my future is going to be amazing and I don’t even have a stable income, then I do not understand why people cannot do the same which is believe that their future is great or believe in themselves.
If you know you are amazing, you know your future is great, then what is there to fear? I realized that if I put my future in certainty, I am putting my future in a box. After a lot of hard work, a lot of pain, a lot of time, when I get to that box, I am freaking dying to get out of there. In that box, I saw everything that I missed out on. When I tried to get out, it is freaking hard.
Look at the guys around you? Chasing you? Doing everything you want? That is called certainty. Look at me, I have uncertainty. Certainty is like mash potatoes without gravy. Uncertainty is like Korean drama. I offer Korean drama hahahaha. It is where the good stuff resides. All I am saying is that we have to have fun in everything we do. Leap without looking. Enjoy the wind beneath your wings. Just trust that it will be a wild, fun and amazing ride. When you leap, I do not have to catch you or save you. Just with that act, you saved yourself. If you don’t leap, that parachute or that wingsuit that you have, is not going to open up. I am pretty sure that deep down inside you all know this because time is a great teacher.
Anyway, I am just chilling with my love life. I am just being patient and observing what fate is going to give me.