Nights like today, are the nights where I miss you so. Nights where there is only silence, where everything stood still, as if I am the only person that exists. Nights where I feel coldness in my skin, where there is coldness in the air as I breathe it in deeply, feeling the coldness as it goes to my lips, and into my lungs. As I look at the food in my dining table, I can smell the scent of stale food, and left overs devoid of flavor and warmth. I sit in this chair, in this room alone and it feels like I have been here for eternity. As I look into the future and into the past at the corners of my mind, I see you there with me.
A scene where we are lovers and you are with me. A scene where you want to stay close to me, and I want to stay close to you. A scene where we have no barriers, no worries, and have all the freedom we want and yet we wish to stay bound to each other. A scene where I know you belong to me. Where there is no coldness, no loneliness and only warmth coming out of our skin. Where I can enjoy the taste of your lips as it presses on to mine.
7 days till February. I am supposed to go there every February. Plans and visions do not always happen. I have too much work to do but good news is that everything is improving well. Maybe next year. Next year looks really good.
Edit: Lol I just realized most of my photos two years ago have slanted horizons. My planet earth is tilted and we are rolling to the side. Only photographers and people that love photography notice the horizons though so it is all good.
Edit 2: Also I do not have six pack. I have one pack lol so you do not see the frontal part of my body hahaha
Sometimes when I am out in the wilderness, there is nothing but darkness at night. I am surrounded by darkness, where I could not see anything around me. My skin would feel cold, and I would feel alone with nature. I am not scared at all. There is no sound, not a single person in my sight and the light of my lantern surrounding me. I could taste the coldness in the air and smell the scent of the trees around me. I would look at the sky and there will be nothing but stars. They are beautiful. Majestic in some sort of way. Stars I would normally not see in the city. My thoughts would wander and think about the same questions over and over.
“Am I doing my life right? Am I in the right place? Am I good enough?” These are questions I could never answer. My mind would move back and forth. I will completely forget about the beautiful stars, and I will have problems staying in the present as the doubt and uncertainty fills me. I would think, “maybe, just maybe if I can just focus on who I am, what I have done in the past, and the beautiful things about me then I can see how amazing I am and how amazing my future will be.” But I could not. Sometimes I would come up with a hint. Not an answer but a hint.
Just maybe… maybe if I live my life full of love I will get the answer. Just love myself a little bit more each day. Just love my family a little bit more each day. Just love my friends a little bit more each day. Just love strangers a little bit more each day. Just love the world despite its evils and chaos just a little bit more each day. Just see each person as a human being who wants to be loved and give love in some way. Maybe I will meet a girl somewhere along this path. I would look at her and tell her that I am madly in love with her. I find her faults and dark sides beautiful. Maybe in that time I will know that I am meant to be with her, and that this is where I am meant to be. I did well with my life just the way I wanted it to be.
This would be better if the girl had adamantium claws coming out of her hands and super healing powers. She has temper problems. The Dad would have the same abilities as well. Then put in that bald guy from Star Trek.
Actually, you know what would be better? If the Dad has a shield. He throws it around like a boomerang. He has super strength and super agility. The girl has the same super powers because she is gifted. Throw in a billionaire playboy that can fly with a metal suit instead of the bald guy. We can call the movie Steven Rogers or Steven because only the first name as the title sounds cooler. I think this movie would have been better if that is the story.
Sometimes when I look through the window and I see snow falling, I just have this incredible urge to kiss the girl I am with. Maybe it is the realization that I do not want to be outside. Maybe it is the realization that I want to be in here with her. Maybe it is the realization that I am lucky that I am with her. Maybe I just want to kiss her lips when I see snow falling. Whatever it is, whatever magic that is happening, it often creates these moments that are memorable in my life. Moments where I feel content and happy inside. Just me and the girl I like, sharing warmth together and sharing each other’s lips.
I will be with you through the dark times. I will be with you through the tough times. I will be with you when you do not feel good about yourself or when the times have made you sad. Even if you have to walk through a tunnel of darkness, I will be with you. It is because I love you and I know no other way than to be with you. To give you a steady hand to walk with. To give you these strong arms to tell you that everything will be ok. Eyes that see how beautiful you look in every fathomable way. Would it be too much to believe that I love you unconditionally. That I love you even if you do not do anything for me? That I love you even if I do not get anything in return? Is it too much to believe all that? All I ever want to do is be with you. I never want you to feel alone ever again because I never want to be apart from you.
Everyone wants to be the good guy, or the nice guy, or the guy that is always on the good side. I do not believe that is who I am. I am always up to no good. I am more of a man that functions purely on instinct. The opposite of being a nice man. A part of me is devoid of logic and reason. A part of me that is motivated by instinct and primal desires. I remember my days, my past and who I was. I am more of a beast, an animal than anything else. Back then just my lips want to make love with her lips, then with her tongue, then with her neck, then with the skin on her back, then the rest of her body. Slowly and passionately as if writing poetry with my lips on her skin. She can resist, she can pull back but I can take her if I want. I can take what is mine, and what is mine I can do what I want. I can do whatever I want with her lips, do whatever I want with her tongue, do whatever I want with her body.
There is no mistake as to the expression of my eyes, a look of pure want and desire as if telling her I am going to give her what she craves and what I want. There is no mistake to her expression either as if telling me to have her, to do whatever I want with her. There are no sounds, nor words nor any signals with my reply. She knew what it was. I want her with every fiber of my being until I know who she is, know every part of her and know what she wants until there is no more wall that separates us.
I long for the innocent parts of being with someone. Just a simple touch like holding her hand, knowing we are connected or our souls are intertwined in some way. As if we are one entity experiencing life on earth and yet at the same time we are two. Where we know each other’s pain, know each other’s hurt, know each other’s fears. As well as know each other’s laughter, know each other’s happiness and know each others love. Just a simple innocent touch that can give courage, can give security and can give a sense of belonging. It is a simple gesture that says so much. It is as if we are saying, “I love you right here, right now, and I do not want to be apart from you even for a second or even for a moment of time.”
“I want you” is such an incomplete sentence. I want to kiss you like the way a bee kisses a flower; slow, steady and enjoying the sweetness of your lips. I want you near me the way I want the warmth of a fireplace on a cold winter day; a feeling of comfort, peace, and home when you are near. I want to see you smile, always. It is because your happiness becomes my happiness. I want to be close to you, close enough that your scent will linger on my mind when we are apart. I want you to be the first thing I look at in the morning, because I want to see something beautiful when I open my eyes. I want to hear you laugh always, so that I know I am doing my job making you happy. These may sound so corny but they are true. I even want to be there in your darkest times. To be the one to hold you when you are trembling, to take away your fears as we journey in this life together, to take care of you when you feel sick or when you are sad. I want to be the guy that gets to tell you that I will always be there for you when you need me. Even if I am angry at you, even if I am busy, even if I am miles away, even if I am tired or have lots of things on my mind, even when all these things are happening in my life, I still want to be that guy that gets to tell you I will always be there for you when you need me.
I walk on this old street of mine as I am watching the snow fall from the sky. The sound of the wind eerily shriek as it passed me by. It was cold, unforgiving and no soul other than me to hear it. It has been so long since I have seen snow like today that a part of me somewhat misses it. I remember the days when I was young, where the days were merry, and care free. Where I would stick my tongue out to catch one of these snow flakes, curious as to what they taste like. Where I would play snow ball fights with my siblings or with my friends. I could never forget the feeling of getting hit on the face or big chunks of ice being dropped at the back of my neck. The snow would melt into ice cold water dripping into my back sending shivers to my spine. Those were the days, they were happy days, as I am smiling while thinking about them. But that was the past, and what I feel now is different.
I miss you. It is the first thing that came to my mind as I enter the house. I miss you. I want to spend time with you on a cold day like today. We would prepare soup or ramen for each other and drink hot cocoa or even coffee to warm our bodies. Maybe enjoy a desert like a cake on the side and talk about romantic dates we would do outside in the summer. We would cuddle on a couch with a good heated throw blanket while watching an old movie. We would spend the the rest of the day in bed, just like we wanted to, while the weather does its worst outside. Just spending time under the sheets, staring into each others eyes and thinking this is the only place in the world we would want to be right now.