I went to her place today. I hated going there. I haven’t been there in months. It is filled with randomness, crap, garbage and whatever mess that I could not make sense of anything. I could never find anything useful there. Any sense of truth is mixed up with lies, fantasies, and sugar coated words to hide things you wouldn’t want the world to know.
It is nice to know she is with someone now. It is the first truth I saw. It is all I needed. After that I found one more truth, and another and another after that. I found bits and pieces of her amidst all the chaos. Amidst all the lies, all the fantasies, all the scenery, I found pieces of her.
I thought, “Hmmm she was feeling lonely on this day, she was feeling happy on this day, this one was about me, this one was about another guy, this one was about a guy that does not exist, she looked great on this day, she wanted something on this day”. So on and so forth. As I gather pieces of her, I saw a picture “so you were in love with me”.
I loved her once too. How long have I known her? Around 5 years? She could never make the leap. She wanted to jump, and she knew I would catch her. The fall is what scared her. She feared she would be scratched, wounded, judged by others, and hurt. I wonder what if we spent all those years differently? What if we spent it in the park having a picnic, or eating in a restaurant, or watching a movie, what if we spent it together, spent it cuddling, or kissing each other’s lips, or just being with each other? What if we spent it caring for each other, showing each other how much we meant to each other? I did not see the fall as something scary but something amazing. She could not find certainty with me. I did not blamer her. I knew I was not strong enough to provide it.
As time passed by, I lost that vision as well. I lost the strength to fight for her. Whatever emotions and connection we had got lost in time. It is nice to know she is happy and with someone now. At some point in time, we all have to let go and I have to create my own world as well.