Times like tonight, I remember too much. Pablo Neruda’s fault.
“I love you”, she said.
“Ok…”, I replied.
I think she was waiting for me to say it but I couldn’t. Those words were so corny to be replied back for some reason. She kept saying those 3 words. I just kept my mouth shut. One day, she stopped saying them. She stopped saying those 3 words and I never heard them from her again. She knew I loved her. How could she not? It was written all over my body, my heart, my mind and my soul. Whenever I kissed her she knew I loved her. We both knew because after the kiss, the feelings linger in her lips then to her tongue, sometimes she could feel it in her throat as it becomes harder to breathe and swallow, sometimes she could feel it on her chest, something there something unexplained, sometimes she could feel it in her stomach, those butterfly feelings. We would feel them and we would stare at each other. We would both have those eyes of passion, contentment and happiness.
She knew I loved her. She could tell from the way I touched her. The feelings remain on her skin and my finger tips. We could still see them and feel them even when we are not together. She could tell by the way I held her hand. Sometimes I will hold her hand gently, sometimes I would use it to force her body to be closer to me. With such a simple gesture she knew I will always be there for her, to make her feel safe, to make her feel secure and I will always provide whatever I can for both of us.
It was true, I wanted to protect her. I made her believe again. I made her believe in love again. I made her believe in fairy tales with a princess and a prince charming. I made her believe that she is allowed to love again. I made her believe she could trust her heart with someone again. I made her believe she is allowed to be happy again. I wanted to protect that trust that she gave to me. I wanted to protect her.
I grabbed her hand out of the blue once. She looked at me with a dumb founded expression as if she was asking “what?” in silence.
“I love you”, I said.
I wanted to tell her more, “I love you…. more than words could say. I have never loved anyone so much before you and I will never love any other girl after you.” I wanted to tell her more than that. “I love you… all my thoughts are of you from where we could go, what we can do, places we could visit, and what can I do to make you happy. I love the smell of your hair as they linger in my pillows, the way we cuddle, the way I hug her, the way we eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. I want more of those nice things in the future for both of us.”
But all I said was “I love you”
“Ok…”, she replied.
She smiled, her cheeks became pink, and she tried to stop them. She turned her back from me so I could not see and kept walking. But I knew she was smiling.
It was the last profound thing I ever said to her before we said goodbye.
Times like tonight, I remember too much. All I could think of right now is it would be nice to fall in love with a girl again. It would be awesome to be in love again. But with so much work, financial security not yet realized and time constraints, just no room for it. One day I will fall in love again. Hopefully, next time around, I will say those three words all the time to remind her she is the only girl in the world for me and that no other girl in this world will come close to how much I love her.